Misunderstandings are bound to happen in any relationship. This is normal and natural, but finding some possible means this can be alleviated is something every partner must do.
Sometimes, we might let a slew of small irritations build up, which only triggers negative feelings over time. It leads us to withdraw from our loved ones, and be less present in our relationships.
Other times we might blurt out our frustration in the heat of the moment, screaming words we might later regret. Neither approach is helpful and can chip away at our relationships.
Below lays out a four-step practice to help us clear up misunderstandings and refresh our relationships:
1. Showing appreciation to your Partner.
This is all about keeping a list of the qualities, talents and actions of your loved one, which bring you happiness. Every evening, make a note of what you appreciated about your loved one. Every week, dedicate one day – like a Friday night, where you can express your appreciation to your loved one.
This is all about keeping a list of the qualities, talents and actions of your loved one, which bring you happiness. Every evening, make a note of what you appreciated about your loved one. Every week, dedicate one day – like a Friday night, where you can express your appreciation to your loved one.
2. Express regret or apologize for anything you would’ve wanted to do differently.
Try let your loved one understand that you’re sorry for the actions you took earlier. Expressing genuine regret is a powerful way to refresh your relationship.
3. Try Asking for more information from your partner.
This is about understanding what’s happening in the other person’s mind and heart. For instance, “Did I hurt you through my unskillfulness? Do I understand you enough? Can you share with me what is deep in your heart?”
Try let your loved one understand that you’re sorry for the actions you took earlier. Expressing genuine regret is a powerful way to refresh your relationship.
3. Try Asking for more information from your partner.
This is about understanding what’s happening in the other person’s mind and heart. For instance, “Did I hurt you through my unskillfulness? Do I understand you enough? Can you share with me what is deep in your heart?”
Because little hurts add up, it’s important to check in with our loved ones regularly. Often we don’t even realize that we’ve hurt our loved ones and how. For instance, maybe you didn’t listen to your spouse when they were trying to tell you about their rough day.
This also gives us the opportunity not to repeat these hurts, and shows our loved ones we truly care.
4. And lastly, try expressing hurt or disagreement.
This is about letting the other person know that you’re upset because of something they did or said. The key, though, is making sure that you’re calm enough to have this conversation. For instance, you can calm yourself by taking deep, slow breaths, and focusing on your breathing. When you’re calmer, try to see how you might’ve contributed to the problem. Maybe you lost your temper, or made a rude comment. Maybe you unwittingly hurt his/her feelings.
4. And lastly, try expressing hurt or disagreement.
This is about letting the other person know that you’re upset because of something they did or said. The key, though, is making sure that you’re calm enough to have this conversation. For instance, you can calm yourself by taking deep, slow breaths, and focusing on your breathing. When you’re calmer, try to see how you might’ve contributed to the problem. Maybe you lost your temper, or made a rude comment. Maybe you unwittingly hurt his/her feelings.
Also, reconsider your interpretation of the situation. For instance, maybe you expected the other person to know how you feel (which, of course, they really can’t).
When you’re talking to the other person, try to speak humbly. Try to remain open and acknowledge that your perceptions are limited.
After doing all these, if both of you feel comfortable, then there is a fifth step, which is a hugging meditation. This includes taking several moments to look at your loved one and realizing how much they mean to you. Take three breaths, while looking at him/her and feeling his/her true presence.
Hug them with your entire body. You can say to yourself: “Breathing in, I know my dear one is here in my arms, alive. Breathing out, he is so precious to me.”
Relationships are multi-layered and complex. And misunderstandings are inevitable. Being honest with your loved one about how you might have contributed to the problem and the things that hurt you can help. Try this!
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